A Threatening Letter from the Census Bureau

Craig Faanes
Falls Church, Virginia 22044
April 25, 2007

Chuck Kincannon, Director
US Census Bureau
Box 5240
Jeffersonville, Indiana 47199-5240

Dear Chuck

In this afternoon’s mail I received from the Census Bureau a rather thick envelope containing the American Community Survey. The form letter containing your signature that accompanied the survey states that the survey “collects critical up-to-date information used to meet the needs of communities across the United States.” Sounds pretty important.

However the outside of the envelope transmitting the survey to me states in bold letters that I am “require by US law to respond to the survey” as did a similar statement in the form letter mentioned above.

First of all, if you are going to threaten otherwise law abiding citizens with arrest for failing to do something don’t you think you should inform them of which law they will violate if they don’t respond? Was it the “Patriot” Act that would be violated?? The FY 2006 Appropriations bill for the Department of Commerce? Which laws are you threatening law abiding citizens with violation?

Secondly, what could possibly be so important that someone choosing to not respond to your survey could be incarcerated for not doing what the Fuhrer Bush Administration has demanded?

Third, did your lawyers notice, before allowing you to send this threatening letter to American citizens that the third paragraph of your threatening form letter says that “The US Census Bureau chose your address, not you personally, as part of the randomly selected sample.” So, will you be arresting my apartment for not responding since you didn’t address your threatening letter to me personally? What rights under the law mentioned above does my apartment have when it is arrested?

After looking through the questions in the survey my apartment and I have both decided that we will not respond to this survey despite your threats of arrest and incarceration. Both my apartment and I have more important things to do like pop a pimple on my ass and rip a loud fart this evening, so we won’t respond to the questions. However, being the loyal ‘Merikan citizen that I am, I will respond to the survey. Yes, Chuck, as your vice-“president” Dick Cheney, the man with a permanent snarl, said when he addressed Senator Pat Leahy of Vermont, on the floor of the Senate, and told the Senator to “Go Fuck Yourself.” That, Chuck, is my official response. And the response of my apartment to whom you addressed the survey.

Chuck, you can go fuck yourself. If you want to send out Bush’s jack booted thugs to arrest me and my apartment, we will both just strut around like the man-child in the White House and say to you “bring em on.”

Now, again, Chuck, go fuck yourself, and have a nice day.

/s/ Craig Faanes


P.S. By the way, Chuck, the return address for this survey has you in Jeffersonville, Indiana. However the last time I was at a meeting with the Census Bureau, the Director was in the downtown Washington DC. You aren’t lying to people with your address are you? Heaven forbid that the Bush Administration would lie to someone