Security "Threats"

This is a recent email to the Reichsmarshall in charge of the Department of Homeland Surveillance. I'm still waiting for a reply.

Dear Turist Hunters at the Department of Duetschland Surveillance.....

Because of the new security scare / hype that the Repugnicans are trying to milk for political gain, the Department of Duetschland Surveillance has once again gone overboard on its restrictions. Come on people, get real. When is the last time someone used make up in a turism plot?? But, undaunted, and with your party so low in the polls, you reverted to the Karl Rove playbook and came up with new and interesting ways to scare the public into believing its "safe."

Probably the most foolish requirement you have imposed is the one making mothers test their bottled mothers milk before the person can get on a plane. If you had one scintilla of intelligence you would know that immediately upon touching human lips to the milk its contaminated and unfit for the baby to consume. That leaves only one solution for the mother - she has to breast feed the baby.

Given that reality, have you Rhodes Scholars thought that you will now need to test the breasts of lactating mothers to make sure they aren't hiding some turist contraption in their breasts? Could be one hell of a loophole that the turists have there - you need to get Mike Cherthoff and an entire room full of SES folks on this issue FAST.

However, before you burn up too many brain cells, I would like to offer a simple solution. You could hire me to personally examine the mammary glands of all lactating mothers trying to make their way through a security screening area. I'll do it for my country (mom, home and apple pie also). If you are willing to let me express my patriotism by examining the breasts of lactating mothers as a way to defend freedom, I'll do the job and wont even require payment. Consider it my contribution to stamping out turism in 'merika.
I'll even do the job 24/7 with no potty breaks.

So, if Mike and the SES crowd think this is a great way to circumvent the boob/nipple loophole for fighting turism I can begin work tomorrow morning. Just pick the airport and I'll be there. I wont even put on those stupid rubber gloves that your gestapo agents use at the metal detectors. Nope...i'll feel them up au natural. K? Call me on my cell and let me know or email me at the address above.

Yours in fighting turists there so we dont have to fight them here.

Craig Faanes
'Merikun