Monday, October 1, 2007

Just In Case You Thought You Could Trust the Pharma Industry

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Under new laws declared by the Bush Administration, Big Pharma will begin funding public education, but schoolchildren will now be required to recite an UPDATED Pledge of Allegiance.

The NEW Pledge of Allegiance, authored by drug company researchers, shall be recited as follows:

THE NEW PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO OUR MEDICATION NATION

I pledge allegiance to the drugs
of the United States of America
And to the pharmaceutical
My doctor demands
One medication
Under FDA
Uninsured
With Viagra and Prozac for all.

A spokesperson for ConPfuzer, a leading drug company, explained the reason for the changes: "Children need Prozac. All we're doing is reminding them to take their medically-justified medications each morning as they begin their schoolday. It's a genuine public service!"

Big Pharma's hope, said the spokesperson, is to, "Boost mental focus, improve grades, and provide funding to enhance our nation's schools. We care about children. After all, they're our future customers."

Children who refuse to cite the new, nationally-recognized Pledge will be tested for mental disorders by drug-toting psychiatrists who are standing by, waiting for something to happen that gives their meaningless lives some purpose.

"Many mentally disturbed children are not receiving treatment," said one psychiatrist. "It is our responsibility to treat them all. You're not against helping children, are you?"

A Bush Administration spokesperson, also present at the announcement, said, "Since Bin Laden is attacking, we should drug all the children. You're not a terrorist, are you?"

The new Pledge of Allegiance, we've also learned, has been copyrighted by ConPfuzer, which will charge schoolchildren their lunch money as a royalty payment for reciting the Pledge each day. "We must teach schoolchildren to respect intellectual property at an early age," said a ConPfuzer statement. "Otherwise, they might grow up and commit more serious crimes like sharing music."

It's too late to actually stop the new Pledge from becoming law. President Bush, citing anti-terrorism powers, explained, "Laws are whatever I say they are." Although, interestingly, he could not spell "allegiance" during the signing of the law (although he had no problem with "of").

October 1, 2007 at 7:31 PM

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