Fighting Turists on Washington's Subway System

If you have to live in a city, Washington DC is one of the better ones to call home. We have almost everything here; history, culture, music, theater, efficient transportation (for the most part) and most importantly for me, cheap airfares to most places you would want to visit. We have some disreputable people living on Pennsylvania Avenue and those working on K Street, but their days are numbered.

Compared to most cities, the subway system in DC ("the Metro")is highly efficient (usually) runs on time (regularly) and is quite safe. The managers of the Metro, the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority seem to be quite concerned about the safety of its passengers almost to the point of paranoia. However thats one of the main objectives Osama bin Forgotten wanted accomplished when his group attacked the United States - paranoia. If you remember the comments of Psychatrist-turned-Congressman Jim McDermott from Washington state when interviewed in Farenheit 911, Congressman/Dr McDermott said "People will do anything when they are scared."

With that in mind, the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority has been providing its patrons with all manner of warnings and scare tactics so we the passengers can stave off the next turist attack on the subway sytem (there hasn't been one). Several years ago there was a poster on metro trains providing us with the characteristics of a terrorist and what we should look for. Two of the funniest characteristics were 1)wears baggy clothes, and 2)sweats profusely. One August morning when the temperature was about 90 degrees and the air conditioning on an Orange Line train was broken, virtually every passenger on the train was sweating like a butcher when I boarded at East Falls Church for my ride to my office. Besides all the sweat, most of the men had pulled their dress shirts out of their pants and many women were wearing loose fitting (a.k.a. baggy) clothing.

Few Pieces of Clothing Are More Baggy than a Burka. And They Are Muslims So They Have to be Turists - Right?

I saw this when I got on the train and when I arrived in my office wrote an email to Metro warning them that according to their characteristics there was an entire train load of terrorists on the 6:29 Orange train from East Falls Church headed down town. I suggested that Metro call out the National Guard, activate the systems at NORAD and order bombers from several nearby Air Force bases to strafe the Orange line to knock out the terrorists on that train.

Looks Like a Turist To Me

A week later the stupid signs on the train came down.

Now, with the run up to the 2008 election coming on, and the Repugnican Party so miserably (and deservedly) down in the polls, Metro is running a new scare tactic on the public. One scare tactic is called "See It, Say It" that includes a dull-voiced Metro employee saying over the intercom system "See It, Say It. If you see anyone acting suspiciously report them to a Metro employee or call Metro Police at 202-962-2121 "

In the other scary message over the intercom we are admonished that if we see anyone leave anything in a Metro station, on a Metro train or on a Metro bus we should "... say to them, is that your bag?" This is to include "A backpack or grocery bag, anything." We the passengers are supposed to report things left behind to a Metro employee or to Metro police immediately.

I Didn't Know Turists Drank Pellegrino!

For the better part of a month I have been listening to these assinine and confusing messages and finally this evening after coming home decided to email Metro for some clarification. My email follows. Hopefully I will have the same luck with these messages as I had with the signs a couple years ago.

Dear Metro

Every day on the train or in a train station I hear the same messages designed to scare the hell out of everyone and make us believe there is a turist (as George Bush pronounces it) behind every turnstile in a Metro station and under every seat on a Metro train. The messages include reporting to Metro anything left behind by a passenger including "A backpack, or grocery bag, anything." The second scary message warns us to "see it, say it" and to report "anything out of the ordinary" to a Metro employee or to Metro Transit police.

The purpose of this email is to obtain clarification of what it is exactly that you want reported. Being the loyal 'Merikun that I am I would prefer that we "fight em over there so we don't have to fight em here" but if turists have infiltrated 'Merika (and continue to receive Visa extensions as several of the 9/11 hijackers did 6 months after their deaths - way to go Bush) I want to know exactly who I am supposed to be watching and exactly what should be reported.

To that end, please define "anything." You want us to report "anything" that is left behind so I want to know what that means. Does it mean gum wrappers? How about if I leave the sports section of the New York Timess on the train (the only part of any newspaper I dont read). Should I report myself? About a year ago while waiting for the train at East Falls Church I saw a European Starling (maybe it was a French starling?) hit a power line and plummet to its death in front of me. It hit the wall between I-66 and the train station. Its dessicated body is still, today, sitting there almost a year later so technically it was left behind by "god" or some other cosmic entity. Should I have reported "god" for leaving that dead bird behind at the Metro station?

Did "God" Leave This Dead Starling Behind? Should I Report Him/Her/It to Metro as a Potential Turist?

What about a used condom? Its certainy "anything" but should I report it? About all that a used condom indicates is someone had a good time. Want me to report it so you can start a database of DNA of suspected turists? Just let me know and I'll report em.

Used Condoms Are Helpful in Establishing DNA Profiles of Potential Turists - And of the Guy Messing Around With Your Wife While You're at Work. Metro Wants to Know All of This

And what about someone leaving a back pack. If it has their name and address on it and its filled with text books from Georgetown Law School, should we report it to you or call the rightful owner? There are no known instances of lawyers committing turist acts, but you can never trust a lawyer, so should I report them??

Turists Read Law Textbooks? I Knew We Couldn't Trust Lawyers

Your admonishment of passengers to report "anything" left behind opens up an entirely new level of "scare the public into submission at all costs" and I want to know what you consider important anything and unimportant anything. Or since we are under security level "orange" (whatever the hell that means) do you consider anything to mean anything including orange peels. Please clarify.

When the Security Level Is Orange Are We Supposed To Throw Oranges at Turists? Please explain

Also, in your "See It Say It" scare tactic you want us to report anything "out of the ordinary." I would like some clarification of what you consider in the ordinary and out of the ordinary. For instance, with George Bush's approval rating below the freezing point (currently at 28 percent) I consider anyone who openly supports George Bush to be pretty out of the ordinary. With that in mind, if I see someone on a Metro train or in a Metro station who has a Bush/Cheney lapel pin I would consider that to be out of the ordinary. Want me to call Metro Transit Police and report them? What about if I am in a Metro parking lot and see a Humvee (automatically we know this is a Repugnican and Bush supporter) and it has a Bush/Cheney or I Vote Life bumper sticker (another indication of being out of the ordinary and supporting someone with a 28 percent approval rating) should I report that person (license plate number, description of the perp, the entire 9 yards)?

Humvee Drivers Are Repugnican and Bush Supporters - How Out of the Ordinary Is That?
And as far as being out of the ordinary, what about Mormon missionaries? There you have a less than ordinary sort of whack job. Should I report Joseph Smith and any of his followers? Lets say Pat Robertson has a meeting of all the lawyers from his "law school" who are destroying the US Department of Justice, and they are all on the Metro going to a prayer meeting or to find a prostitue (which ever comes first) should I report them?? Pat Robertson and his brand of religious extremism are both pretty out of the ordinary? What about someone who openly admits to watching Faux News or listens to Rush Limbaugh?? Those people are definitely not ordinary.

Talk About Political Extremists!

I just need your help Metro. Please define these seemingly ambiguous terms you use and I'll report every suspected turist or turist sympathizer (or using my examples, member of the Repugnican Party) that I find.

If They Are Repugnican They're Way Out of the Ordinary. Should I Report Them?

Thanks in advance for the clarification. You can contact me at the phone numbers in my signature line or at this email address.

Yours in fighting turists there so we don't have to fight them here.

Craig Faanes